Teacher : If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student : Big hands.
大手
老师：如果我左手有7个橙子，右手有8个橙子，那么我有什么？
学生：一双大手。
At a premed university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives.” The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted. “It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.
救人
在圣路易斯的一所医学院预科大学，学生必须修一门很难的物理课。一天，教授正在探讨一个特别复杂的概念，一个学生粗鲁地打断他的话，问道：“为什么我们一定要学这种东西？”
“为了救人。”教授很快回答，继续讲课。几分钟后，那个学生再次大声坚持：“那么物理怎么救人呢？”教授回答：“它通常可以把你这种笨蛋赶出医学院。”
In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.
Once I was asked out by a life guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn ‘ t know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date ‘ s and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.
When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn ‘ t want to hear : “Go barefoot.”
光着脚去
中学的时候，我对自己的高度非常敏感。
一次，一位救生员约我出去。事实上，我从未和他并肩站过，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此约会那晚，我拿出两双鞋，一双高跟，一双平跟。我安排哥哥去开门，让他和救生员比比高度，再上楼告诉我应穿哪双鞋。
门铃响了，我在楼上等着。哥哥跑上楼告诉了我一个不幸的消息：“你可以光着脚去约会。”
In a cinema during a performance one of the audiences gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer. A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row :
“Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?”
“Yes, but it doesn ‘ t really matter. It didn ‘ t hurt at all.”
“Oh, no, it isn ‘ t that. I only want to make sure that this is my row.”
保证没走错
在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：
“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗？”
“是的，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。”
“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。”
“Young man,” said the angry father from the head of stairs, “didn ‘ t I hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in?”
“You did,” admitted the boyfriend, “it was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn ‘ t disturb you.”
The father muttered, “Wonder why I didn ‘ t think of that one in my courting days!”
青出于蓝
“小伙子，”父亲在楼梯口板着脸说道，“闹钟敲了四下，你才把我女儿带回来，我没听错吧？”
“是的，”男孩承认说，“闹钟本来是要敲11下，但我拽住了钟摆，以免影响您。”
父亲低咕道：“奇怪，我谈恋爱时怎么没想到这一着呢！”
“I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy ‘ s tooth.”

“Twenty dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes.” replied the dentist, “but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”
如此计算

“对不起，夫人，为您的孩子拔牙，我们要收取20美元。” 　　“20美元！为什么？不是说只要4美元吗？”　　“是的，”牙医回答说：“但是这孩子大喊大叫，把另外4个病人吓跑了。”
At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess.

At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, “What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones.”

“To sit next to you,” he replied gallantly, “would cause any man to lose his appetite.”
殷勤
在一次晚餐聚会上，一位腼腆的年青人一直在冥思苦想对女主人说一些好听的话。机会总于来了，女主人转向他说：“琼斯先生，您今晚的饭量太小了。”
“坐在您身边，”他殷勤的说道，“任何男人都会失去胃口的。”
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss : “I didn ‘ t have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.”

“That ‘ s fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”
安眠药

鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”

“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

“Come on, Miss!” he shouted. “Shut the door, please!”

“Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye,” she called back.

“You just shut that door, please,” called the guard, “and I ‘ ll see to the rest.”
其余的事由我负责

一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。

“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”

“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。

“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”
Mom : Don ‘ t come in! Your feet are too dirty!

Boy : No, my feet are clean, Mom. But my shoes are dirty.
鞋子是脏的
妈妈：别进来！你的脚太脏了！

男孩：不，我的脚不脏，妈妈。只不过我的鞋子是脏的
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them, “You can ‘ t eat your own sandwiches here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
两个律师

两个律师走进一个餐厅要了两杯饮料，从手提箱中拿出三明治开始吃起来。餐厅老板走过来警告说，“你们不能在这里吃自己的三明治。”
两个律师对看了一眼，耸耸肩，然后交换了手中的三明治。
A new restaurant opened in our town, so my husband, Walter, and I decided to try it. As the waitress took our order, Walter asked if the coffee was fresh. “I ‘ m sure it is,” answered the waitress. “We ‘ ve only been open two weeks.”
镇上开了家新餐馆，我丈夫Walter和我决定去尝尝。女招待给我们写菜时，Walter问餐馆的咖啡是否新鲜。“绝对新鲜，”，女招待回答说，“我们才刚开了两星期。”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘ Betty Sue ‘ written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, ‘ Betty Sue ‘ was the name of the horse I bet on.” She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he ‘ s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”
一个家伙正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道：“这是为什么？”她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有 ‘ Betty Sue ‘ 的纸条。”他说：“哎呀，亲爱的， ‘ Betty Sue ‘ 是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。 三天后他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问：“这又是为什么？”她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”
A young man was in love with a girl. At one weekend, he invited his girlfriend to the cinema. When they were at the ticket box, the young man said to the ticket seller, “Two tickets, please.”

When the ticket seller told him that all the tickets had sold out, the disappointed young man said, “Then do you have any sur-tickets that can allow us to stand together?”
两张电影票

一个小伙子爱上了一位姑娘。周末，他请她看电影。来到售票处，小伙子对售票员说：“请给两张票。”售票员告诉他所有的票都卖完了。失望的年轻人说：“那么，您有两张可以让我们站在一起的附加票吗？”
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.
“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.
“You ‘ re a good boy,” said the mother proudly.
“Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
”昨天给你的钱干什么了？“
”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“他回答说。
”你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Mother : Freddie, why is your face so red?
Freddie : I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother : That ‘ s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Freddie : Me and Jackie Smith.
妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？
弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？
妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。
弗雷迪：我和杰克•史密斯。
Mother : Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom : I ‘ ve just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？
汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。
One evening I drove my husband ‘ s car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit. When I finally entered the house, I called out. ‘ The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield. ‘
My husband looked up and said, ‘ Mom ‘ s here? ‘

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”
On the bus a man discovered a pick-pocket ‘s hand thrust into his pocket.

“sorry, ” he said to the pickpocket, “you are too late. My wife did it before you. ”
你太晚了

在公共汽车上一人发现一个小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。

“对不起，”他对小偷说，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事

情了。”

Doctor : I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.

Patient : then send the bill to my father, please.
把帐单给我父亲

医生： 对你的抱怨我无能为力。 那是遗传病。

病人： 那请你把帐单给我父亲吧。
There was a woman who had three sons. When they had grown up the sons left home went out on their own and prospered years later. Getting back together they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said “I will build a big house for our mother.”

The second said “I will send her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said “Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible and you know she can ‘ t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter mom sent out her letters of thanks.

“Milton” she wrote to one son “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald” she wrote to another “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude.”

“Dearest Donald” she wrote to her third son “you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
一个女人有3个儿子。长大成人后，儿子们纷纷出外谋生，数年后功成名就。回到家乡，他们聚在一起，商量送什么礼物给年迈的母亲。

第一个说：“我要给母亲建一所大房子。”

第二个说：“我要把一辆梅塞德斯连同司机一起送给母亲。”

第三个说：“你们还记得吧？妈妈特别喜欢读《圣经》。你们也知道，她的眼现在有点花了。我要送她一只非同寻常的鹦鹉，这只鹦鹉可以将整部《圣经》背诵下来，神父们花了12年的时间才教会它。妈妈只需要说出篇章、段落，这只鹦鹉就能把它背出来。”

之后不久，母亲给儿子们分别回信表示感谢。

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.” The man said “How strange, I ‘ m the manager of Minnesota Twins.” After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.” Man was like “Hmmm, strange, I worked as a director for the “3 musketeers.” Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says “Congratulations, you got twins x2.” Man is happy and says, “Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.” All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what ‘ s wrong and he answered, “What ‘ s wrong? I work for 7up”!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说 :”恭喜,你得了双胞胎.”男人说 :”多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理.”过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说 :”恭喜,你得了三胞胎.”男人很喜欢 :”嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事.”最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说 :”恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎.”男人很开心地说 :”真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作.”他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道 :”什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!”
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a supermarket and asked, “You know, I ‘ ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
在超市里

在一个超市里，一个男子走向一位非常漂亮的小姐，对她说：“我和我的
妻子走散了，你能和我聊一会儿吗？”
“为什么呢？”这个小姐问。
“因为每当我与漂亮小姐聊天时，我的妻子就会不知从什么地方冒出来。”
After being with her all evening, the man couldn ‘ t take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied, “If yours hadn ‘ t, mine would have had too!”
相亲

和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
“Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” the teacher asked her seventh-graders.

Everyone but John raised a hand to answer.

“Do you know, John?” she asked.

“Damn it, I don ‘ t know and I don ‘ t care!” the boy yelled, arms crossed. “Stop asking questions.”

Upset, the teacher kept John after class and called his father for a conference.

“What ‘ s the problem?”

John ‘ s dad asked when he arrived.

“Why is my son in detention?”

“I asked John who killed Abe Lincoln and he cursed and said he didn ‘ t know and didn ‘ t care, and told me to stop asking him questions.”

Furious, the man grabbed John by the collar.

“What ‘ s your problem, son?” he shouted. “If you killed the man, just say so.”
谁暗杀了林肯？

一名老师问一个初一班级的学生， “谁暗杀了林肯？”除约翰外，

所有学生均举起手来。 老师走过去问约翰，“你知道答案吗？”

约翰双手交叉，大声叫道，“xxx,我不知道，也不在乎。不要

再问我问题了。” 老师感到很沮丧，课后把约翰留下来，并打电

话让约翰的爸爸过来开个会。 约翰的爸爸到了之后，问老师，

“我儿子怎么了，为什么被您留下来？” 老师说，“我问他，

谁杀了林肯，他开始骂人，说他不知道也不在乎，并要我不再问

他任何问题。” 约翰的爸爸非常生气，抓起儿子的衣领，吼道，

“儿子呀，你究竟怎么了？如果是你杀了人，你就承认啊。”
Rose left school when she was seventeen. And then went to look for work, Rose went to several offices, and at last chose one of them. She went to the office again and said to the manager, “I want to work here, but what will you pay me?”
“We ‘ ll pay you 27 pounds now, and 30 pounds after three months.”
Rose thought for a few seconds before she answered, Then she said, “All right, then I ‘ ll start in three months time”.
三个月后我再开始

Rose 17岁时毕业了，然后开始找工作，她去了好多个公司。最后选择了一家，她再次来到那个办公室时对经理说道：“我想在这儿工作，不过你能给我多少薪水呢？”“我们现在行付27英镑，3个月后再给你30英镑”。Rose想了一会回答道：“好吧，那么我三个月之后再开始工作吧。”
Headache
Teacher : I ’ d like you to be very quiet today. I ’ve got a headache.

Mary : Why don ‘t you do what mum does when she has a headache?
Teacher : What ‘s that?
Mary : She sends us out to play!
头很疼

老师：我希望你们今天可以安静一些。我头很疼。

Mary : 为什么你不像妈妈头疼的时候那样呢？

老师：怎么了？

Mary：她让我们出去玩。
One day, the teacher inquired of Peter :

“How much is four minus four?”

Peter was tongue-tied.

The teacher got angry and said :

“What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?”

“The hole,” replied Peter.
四减四等于几？

一天，老师问彼得：“4减4等于几？”彼得张口结舌答不上来。

老师生气地说：“真笨！你想，我要是往你口袋里放四个硬币，而你的口袋上有个窟窿，硬币全漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里还剩下什么？”

“窟窿，”彼得答道。
Professor : When is your birthday?
Kid : May 30.
Professor : Which year?
Kid : Every year.
生日
教授：你的生日是什么时候？
孩子：5月30日。
教授：哪一年？
孩子：每年都是。
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. “But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I ‘ m going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I,”
“I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!”
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter ‘ s wedding. He ‘ ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell. “I ‘ m the groom.”
长官在婚礼上

大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警察”这个人说道：“我可以解释的”。
“保持安静”，警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱，直到长官回来。“但是，警察，我，，，”。
“我说过了保持安静，你要到监狱了。”几小时后，警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好，因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”
“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。